Fan guide for criteriums

I intend to watch the criterium being held at LSW on Sunday afternoon - fortuitously, there was an amusing article by Scott Martin on how to act as a fan at a crit in this week's RoadBikeRider newsletter.

Fan Guide

While at my hometown's annual criterium last weekend, I realized that bike racing is not only confusing to do, it's also confusing for most people to watch. So here are some pointers the next time you're at the races:

Helpful things to shout:

• "Your teammate is bridging up to you."

• "Four riders have a 15-second lead, but two of them aren't pulling."

• "Take turn 1 wide. I sprinkled carpet tacks on the inside." (Best said sotto voce.)

Unhelpful things to shout:

• "Go faster!"

• "You're getting dropped."

• "Boy, do you stink."

How to answer when bystanders ask why you're not racing:

• "I put the 'cry' in criterium."

• "I get dizzy riding around in circles."

• "I prefer it when my skin is attached to my body."

What to yell at French riders:

• "Allez, allez!"

What to yell at Italian riders:

• "Forza, forza!"

What to yell at Spanish riders:

• "Venga, venga!"

What to yell at American riders:

• "Get outta the f *****g road, you spandex weirdoes. I'm late for work."

Know your victory salutes:

• Two arms upraised: Classic, says it all.

• One arm upraised: See above, only too tired to raise other arm.

• Rocking imaginary baby: I dedicate this win to my newborn daughter/son.

• Pointing index finger skyward: I dedicate this win to my deceased teammate/coach/bike washer.

• Pumping a clenched fist: Take that, you disbelieving team manager/cycling journalist/boy- or girlfriend who dumped me.

• Firing invisible pistol: I'm the baddest hombre in town.

• Shooting invisible bow and arrow: I'm the baddest indigenous person on the prairie.

• No salute: I hope there isn't any drug testing.