Thursday, April 16, 2009

Fan guide for criteriums

I intend to watch the criterium being held at LSW on Sunday afternoon - fortuitously, there was an amusing article by Scott Martin on how to act as a fan at a crit in this week's RoadBikeRider newsletter.

Fan Guide

While at my hometown's annual criterium last weekend, I realized that bike racing is not only confusing to do, it's also confusing for most people to watch. So here are some pointers the next time you're at the races:

Helpful things to shout:

  • "Your teammate is bridging up to you."

  • "Four riders have a 15-second lead, but two of them aren't pulling."

  • "Take turn 1 wide. I sprinkled carpet tacks on the inside." (Best said sotto voce.)

Unhelpful things to shout:

  • "Go faster!"

  • "You're getting dropped."

  • "Boy, do you stink."

How to answer when bystanders ask why you're not racing:

  • "I put the 'cry' in criterium."

  • "I get dizzy riding around in circles."

  • "I prefer it when my skin is attached to my body."

What to yell at French riders:

  • "Allez, allez!"

What to yell at Italian riders:

  • "Forza, forza!"

What to yell at Spanish riders:

  • "Venga, venga!"

What to yell at American riders:

  • "Get outta the f *****g road, you spandex weirdoes. I'm late for work."

Know your victory salutes:

  • Two arms upraised: Classic, says it all.

  • One arm upraised: See above, only too tired to raise other arm.

  • Rocking imaginary baby: I dedicate this win to my newborn daughter/son.

  • Pointing index finger skyward: I dedicate this win to my deceased teammate/coach/bike washer.

  • Pumping a clenched fist: Take that, you disbelieving team manager/cycling journalist/boy- or girlfriend who dumped me.

  • Firing invisible pistol: I'm the baddest hombre in town.

  • Shooting invisible bow and arrow: I'm the baddest indigenous person on the prairie.

  • No salute: I hope there isn't any drug testing.


gravy said...

Victory salutes? We don't need no stinking victory salutes!

(only racers need victory salutes)

kew said...

So a "crit" doesn't end up at a bar?


Bob K said...

It may Sunday. Anybody else going to go watch?